I FEEL PARALYSED BY FEAR AND ANXIETY

Well, I don’t even know where to start. But I guess I’ll start here…

I’m a 25 year old women, turning 26 this year. Just a few years ago I used to be full of life, I was driven and had confidence.

 Over the years, that has changed. The only way that I can explain it, is the other day I read something, where someone had written “When did the future switch from a promise to a threat” and that completely summarises my life. I’m completely afraid right now. I am anxious all of the time and I hate it.

I’m anxious about my financial future. I’ve even developed a debilitating fear of driving – yes driving. I literally begin to get anxiety attacks at the thought of having to go somewhere. It’s so bad that I find myself making excuses to not see my friends just so I won’t have to drive.

I’ve been wanting to start a clothing boutique, I’m from South Africa and I’m supposed to go to Thailand to go shop for clothes and I haven’t even spoken to my agent yet, I guess I’m afraid of the clothing boutique failing. I hardly go out any more because I just never feel good enough about myself. It’s like if I could find a dark room to lock myself into, just to shut the world out, I would. I love my boyfriend to bits but I’m afraid that he’ll cheat on me, sometimes I’m afraid he’ll want to leave me for someone more confident, I’m afraid I’ll push him away. I’ve become so image and body conscious it’s scary.

I’m afraid because I want to turn my life around but I don’t know how to do it on my own. I’m so tired of crying, feeling despair and hurting. I can’t remember the last time I smiled, a real smile – the kind of smile that lights up your soul.

 Instead I suffer from terrible insomnia, I’m always tired and always feel like I’m on the verge of a mental and emotional breakdown. Sometimes I’ll wake up and my heart will just be beating ridiculously fast.

I literally feel paralysed by anxiety and fear.

I am a dreamer, I know that I have so much to offer the world but I just wish that I could stop getting into my own way.

 But right now I don’t how. Bad habits have become a safety net for me. I’m always willing to help others out.

 I love giving back. I love seeing other people happy. Why can’t I make myself happy?

I just need someone who will understand, who can help me and walk me through what to do. I feel so helpless and afraid.